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Cake day: June 1st, 2026

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  • i’ve never been terrified of anything, except a fox. i watched that episode of x-files that featured the chupacabra and then encountered a fox out in the wild–you can imagine this loss of suburban innocence if you think hard about it and use your imagination. now, a typical fox looks nothing like a mexican goatsucker (maybe if it was bulked up with cans of goya black beans and had bigger teeth) but it put the scare into me because i had only encountered the occasional groundhog and stray cat at night; back then you didn’t see too many bums around.

    one of those stray cats used to come around a lot and i named it ‘sugar’ because it was stark white and that song fly was on the radio a lot, the one by that band sugar ray. and after it hung around for awhile (i would leave out bush’s baked beans in a tupperware container because i felt bad) it became part of the family. i renamed it ‘yeti’ because i thought sugar was too homoerotic but that’s for another post.



  • i thought i was paranoid for feeling this way. it if isn’t the obvious surveillance, it’s the security guard standing near the front or the employees scrutinizing you.

    this phenomena is most extreme at stores like burlington/marshalls, where they’ll often rope off the entrance and have an employee dressed up like a swat team member to discourage criminal activity.

    old man take: you used to only see this bullshit at stores in the worst neighborhoods and that only started popping up around the crash of 2008.



  • who cares about athletics?

    i never heard of the ‘soccer age’ because no sport has ever moved our species forward. i’m definitely over here in 2026 celebrating ty cobb; without that dude i wouldn’t have electricity in my house so i can watch MLB games. the only reason anyone knows the name ‘ty cobb’ is because his baseball card was worth so much. that’s our priority beyond athletics. how much does this athlete make per year?

    what’s your net worth???

    americans love sports so much because we devalue intellect and anything that makes us human. we even frame intellect as pretentious, like all those depictions of impenetrable silent french films and classical compositions that take a mountain of education to understand, even though both are always rooted in universal, human emotions.


  • dumb people have always bought crap. just because components are more expensive doesn’t change anything–a savvy computer user is always going to go for pre-built. i’d personally take out a loan before i bought a meta pc even if steep discounts are on the menu.

    it also makes me think that all the conspiratorial talk is just talk. maybe all these companies are conspiring to raise prices so they can sell you garbage like this pathetic excuse for a pc.

    but that doesn’t fit into the ‘all rich people are geniuses’ narrative. greed doesn’t require intelligence. even someone with an intense hunger and a 50 IQ is gonna try and put their hand into your burger king bag and swipe a fry or two.


  • i need AI to tell me how to make fried chicken because i’m too stupid to read a recipe, and did i also tell you at some point that i have a masters degree in chemical engineering and i create new flavor sensations for nabisco? keep it a secret.

    don’t tell anyone what i’m about to reveal in this post, but teddy grahams are about to make a comeback and unleash some wild flavors like cinnamon/vanilla/sriracha. you may scoff at that combo and think to yourself ‘that doesn’t work’ but we tested it out on starving children in the Philippines and they all loved it. we’re infusing them with protein, 28g per serving and this is with less than 200 calories. don’t ask me how we did that because i signed an NDA.